


Online Office Hours

by Anonysquirrel (chibirisuchan)



Series: Runs in the Family [3]
Category: Captain America, The Avengers (2012), X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Still Have Powers, Charles Is a Darling, Don't worry they're coming, M/M, Mpreg, Multi, No biscuits yet, Online chat format, Shout-out to Askstelios, Tony is a troll, Why Charles Avoids Computers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-26
Updated: 2012-12-26
Packaged: 2017-11-22 13:31:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/610349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chibirisuchan/pseuds/Anonysquirrel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>/send 35weeks.png</i>
</p>
<p>  <i>Accessible text description for screen readers?:</i></p>
<p>  <i>The two of us @ 35 weeks, wearing Tony's present.<br/>Blue knit, with yellow biohazard label splayed across my tum:<br/>"Warning: Genetic Experimentation In Process."</i></p>
<p>  <i>The fine print:</i><br/>"Do not agitate, puncture, or incinerate. In case of containment failure, contact emergency personnel and evacuate the area."</p>
<p>  <i>Thanks so awfully much, darling. --CFX</i></p>
<p>In which we learn why Charles avoids computers as much as he possibly can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Online Office Hours

* * *

Welcome to OnlineOffice 7.0. Please enter your credentials.

username: cfxavier  
password: **********

Good afternoon, Dr. Xavier. You have 3 new messages since your last login. How would you prefer to set up OnlineOffice today?

$home: _/config the_usual.sh_

> Speakers: enabled  
>  Microphone: enabled  
>  Webcam: disabled  
>  Voice commands: enabled  
>  Automatic transcription: enabled  
>  Loading custom configuration: spelling_en_uk.cfg  
>  Loading custom configuration: visualisation.cfg  
>  Loading custom configuration: kindly_sod_off_mr_stark.cfg  
>  Loading custom configuration: tony_you_wanker.cfg

Now playing: National Public Radio

$home: _/read #1  
_  
To: Dr. Charles F. Xavier  
From: StarkAwesome  
Subject: THAT'S NOT FAIR

> You Luddite heretic, I spend how many years developing the most incredible microtechnology this pathetic mudball has ever seen, and you block off my stealth webcam with a STICKY NOTE? 
> 
> Seriously. A _sticky note_. That's so pathetic it transcends ordinary levels of patheticness. 3M had themselves a _lab accident 30 years ago_ and you use it against my unbelievable genius in the 21st century? That's beyond rude.
> 
> No love, Xavier. No love at all.

$home: _/reply #1_

> I don't suppose it ever occurred to you to ask my permission before attempting to enable a webcam placed in my office?
> 
> Lesson of the day: More technology is not always better.

$msg: _/sig  
_ Sincerely,

Dr. Charles F. Xavier  
Guest lecturer, Genomics Institute  
Columbia University

$msg: _/send  
_

$home: _/read #2  
_  
To: Dr. Charles F. Xavier  
From: Steven Rogers, Class of 2015  
Subject: Lab assignments 4B, 5A-C, and 6

> Dear Dr. Xavier, STOP.
> 
> I hope that this letter finds you in good health, STOP.
> 
> I meant to have the next three weeks' assignments finished by today, but circumstances beyond my control have intervened, STOP.
> 
> Please pardon my forwardness, but I am given to understand that you are in a delicate condition, STOP. 
> 
> I would hate for my unfortunate tardiness to cause you difficulty, as Mr. Stark has informed us that. Er. That your time is getting quite near, STOP.
> 
> I'm awfully sorry, sir. I would never, _ever_ wish to cause trouble for a person in the family way. Whether or not he was a dame. Um, I mean, whether or not he was a lady? I mean. Uh. Jiminy Cricket. 
> 
> What I _meant_ to say was I'm sorry to be such a bother, especially since I know you're, uh... {unintelligible}, STOP.
> 
> Would you rather I drop out, as I am fairly certain Mr. Stark enrolled me just to be a jerk and I am not actually qualified to be in your class, STOP.
> 
> P.S. My sincerest congratulations to you and your husband, STOP.
> 
> P.P.S. I really am awfully sorry, sir, STOP
> 
> Sincerely,  
>  Captain Steve Rogers  
>  Class of 2015  
>  Columbia University

\--New message!--  
#4: Re: NO FAIR 

$home: _preview #4_  
Preview: ...more technology is ALWAYS BETTER!!!!one!...

$home: _delete #4_

$home: _reply #2_

> My dear Captain Rogers,
> 
> No, of course I _wouldn't_ rather you drop my class! You are a delight and a treasure; I wish that all of my students had your dedication.
> 
> I promise you, I do understand the vital importance of your 'circumstances.' I saw the video on CNN. Well done, the lot of you! 
> 
> (And I shudder to imagine what the cleaners made of all that slime. One wonders if advanced certification in handling biohazards and/or graduate study in xeno-organic chemistry is a prerequisite to employment for Stark Tower laundry and household staff? But I digress.)
> 
> As for your coursework, your concern is very kindly appreciated, but not in fact necessary. You needn't trouble yourself to complete your work in advance because of your instructor's peculiar circumstances. 
> 
> Let me assure you that you are not being forward; the word 'pregnant' is no longer considered rude or offensive, and neither is making reference to a person's pregnancy. 
> 
> (Well. Not once the person is _known_ to be with child. I should still advise against _unverified speculation_ about the cause of a person's expanding waistline, but that is another matter entirely.)
> 
> I was well aware of my condition when I set the due dates for this semester's assignments. Therefore, my charming overachiever, when a professor tells you that an assignment is due in three weeks, he means that the assignment is due in _three weeks_. And not a day sooner. 
> 
> I may perhaps not be able to review your work personally at that time, but my teaching assistant, Mr. McCoy, is utterly brilliant. I promise you that he'll be more than capable of guiding your class through the end of term.
> 
> Now, while you're quite right that Tony is ~~an insufferable pillock~~ a jerk, I would never hold his behaviour against _you_. In fact, I rather suspect that by enrolling you in advanced coursework, he was simply engineering an opportunity for himself to spend more time with you. 
> 
> Of your professional associates, only he and Dr. Banner would have the necessary background to tutor you in advanced molecular genetics, and Dr. Banner tends to avoid tutoring undergraduates because of his occasional personal difficulties in the area of temper management. 
> 
> ~~In fact, I often wonder how he withstands your group's extended proximity to Tony... perhaps I ought ask him for suggestions.~~
> 
> Knowing how very conscientious you are -- and how rarely supervillains have the common courtesy to schedule their rampages in anything approaching a civilised fashion -- might I suggest an alternative?
> 
> If you would like to use the course credit toward your degree, you could enroll in the credit/no-credit option from now through November 15, so that you would receive credit for your work without a particular letter grade. 
> 
> Or if the credit is of less interest to you -- if you chose to enroll because of your own uniquely personal interest in the matter of genetic manipulation -- then you could audit the class to participate in the lectures without needing to complete any further assignments or tests.
> 
> In any case, there is to be _no_ more of this nonsense about your dropping out because you fear I might be inconvenienced that you haven't been able to complete a semester's worth of work a month in advance! Are we quite clear? 
> 
> I have truly enjoyed your presence in my class, your intelligence, and your eagerness to learn. 
> 
> If anything, I feel I am the one who ought apologize for causing distress. 
> 
> I understand that in your original time it was unthinkable for a visibly expectant mother even to walk about in public -- she certainly wouldn't have been permitted to be professionally employed, or to continue to work throughout her term. 
> 
> (And that leaves aside the peculiarity of a man who finds himself increasing with child, which does rather fly in the face of certain customary biological assumptions.)
> 
> That I've continued to teach professionally throughout my term, that I even speak of my condition at all -- I know I must seem a shamelessly modern challenge to your traditional upbringing, in so very many ways. But despite all that, you've been wonderfully kind and accepting of what must be an overwhelming strangeness to you. 
> 
> Though I am certainly not as fragile as I fear you imagine expectant persons to be, your thoughtful concern for my well-being is very much appreciated, and accepted in the gracious spirit in which it was offered. 
> 
> Please let me assure you that you needn't fret over my 'delicate' condition. I feel quite perfectly well, I am eager to continue your instruction for as long as I may, and you are _not a bother in the slightest._
> 
> ...Of course, considering the company you keep, I do suppose accepting a patient's own self-assessment might on past occasions have proven less than wise. 
> 
> Hmm. 
> 
> If you suspect my own self-assessment may be ~~as suspect as Tony's self-assessments~~ unreliable on this matter, do feel free to ask Tony to bring you by the mansion the next time he pops over for tea and ranting. 
> 
> (If nothing else, I should dearly love to make your acquaintance in person!)
> 
> P.S.: You don't need to dictate the stops at the of your sentences as you would to a telegraph operator. Tony's transcription software is really quite remarkable.
> 
> P.P.S.: Do please say you'll come to tea? 
> 
> While I scarcely consider myself 'delicate,' I must confess I am somewhat more easily wearied as of late. And Tony's occasional excesses of ...Tony-ness can become a bit overwhelming.
> 
> I should very much appreciate the support of your valiant good sense.
> 
> Sincerely,
> 
> Charles Xavier

$msg: _/send_

$home:  
\--New messages!--  
#5, #6, #7 ... #14: Re: NO FAIR 

$home: _/preview #9_

Preview: ...seriously, what the unbelievable fuck, _higher technology is ALWAYS better,_ you heathen savage...

$home: _/preview #14_

Preview: ...tell me you were just jerking my chain. Unless you're ignoring me now. Dammit, I'm Tony Stark! You're not _allowed_ to ignore me on my own damn hardware!...

$home: _/delete #5-#14_  
$home: Messages #5 to #14 deleted

$home: _/read #3_

To: Dr. Charles F. Xavier  
From: Alex Summers  
Subject: bored

> so last week Raven and her demon boyfriend were saying I need media stuff if I'm gonna be a superhero when I get out of school, right? Theme song, catchphrase, yeah?
> 
> burn baby burn! >:3

Now playing: Tina Turner - Disco Inferno.mp3 

$msg: _/stop_  
Volume: 8  
Now playing: Tina Turner - Disco Inferno.mp3 

$msg: _/volume 0_  
Volume: 9  
Now playing: Tina Turner - Disco Inferno.mp3 

$msg: _/stop blast it stop_  
Volume: 10  
Now playing: Tina Turner - Disco Inferno.mp3 

$msg: / _damn it, Azazel, stop corrupting my children!_  
$msg: Voice command not understood, please try again:

$msg: _/oh bloody hell_  
$msg: Voice command not understood, please try again:

$msg: _/mute  
_ $msg: _/mute  
_ $msg: _/MUTE DAMN YOU YOU BLOODY MACHINE MUTE  
_ Volume: 0  
Now playing: Tina Turner - Disco Inferno.mp3 

$msg: _/oh thank God_  
$msg: Voice command not understood, please try again:

$msg: _/radio npr_  
Volume: 0  
Now playing: National Public Radio

$msg: _/volume 4_  
Volume: 4  
Now playing: National Public Radio

$msg: / _reply #3_

> I shan't ask how you could possibly be bored in Chemistry, Alex. 
> 
> And I _certainly_ shan't wonder why that particular song came into your thoughts in the middle of Chemistry. 
> 
> Even for a scientist dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge, there remain some things one is simply happier _not_ knowing.
> 
> At the least, do please tell me you have your protective eyewear and nonreactive gloves in place. And that your classroom's emergency shower has been tested within the past year. And that you know how to operate it. 
> 
> Otherwise I shall be forced to sic Hank on you.
> 
> P.S.: Was it Sean who taught you that little trick with the localised volume command overrides? Or perhaps Darwin; I rarely consider his sense of mischief... well.
> 
> P.P.S.: Do please stop listening to Azazel. And to Raven after she's been talking with Azazel. The less said of the deplorably self-reinforcing properties of their senses of humour, the better.

$msg: _/send_

$home:  
\--New messages!--  
#15, #16, #17 ... #28: Re: NO FAIR 

$home: _/sod off, Tony. Don't you have meetings or something?_  
$home: Voice command not understood, please try again:

$home: _/delete #15-#28_  
$home: Messages #15 to #28 deleted

\--New message!--  
#29: Re: NO FAIR 

$home: _/{unintelligible}_  
$home: Voice command not understood, please try again:

$home: _/preview #29_  
Preview: ...okay, Xavier, this isn't funny anymore. Get your fat ass into the office so I can bitch to someone with half a brain...

$home: _/{unintelligible}_  
$home: Voice command not understood, please try again:

$home: _/chatroom office_  
$home: Joining chatroom 'office'.

\---------Users online: 2-----------  
Currently in the Office:  
User ProfessorX  
User StarkAwesome

**Now playing: I'm Too Sexy.mp3**

StarkAwesome: \o/  
StarkAwesome: Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.

ProfessorX: /stop

**Now playing: I'm Too Sexy.mp3**

ProfessorX: /MUTE DAMN YOU

**Now playing: I'm Too Sexy.mp3**

**OfficeOnline: Caution: You have disconnected a sound device without stopping it first.**

ProfessorX: Yes I bloody well have; thank you for noticing, you stupid machine.  
ProfessorX: Also.  
ProfessorX: Mr. Stark, I cry libel.  
ProfessorX: (Unless you're dictating into your phone, in which case I believe it would be considered slander?)  
ProfessorX: In any case, I have it on excellent authority that _my arse is not fat_.

StarkAwesome: I'll believe it when I see it.  
StarkAwesome: If, y'know, I _could_ see it.  
StarkAwesome: What with your unnatural and indecent acts of sticky note Ludditism.  
StarkAwesome: *tsk*

ProfessorX: *facepalms*

StarkAwesome: Seriously. Picture's worth a thousand words, Charlie baby.  
** Now Playing: Wolfwhistle.mp3 **

ProfessorX: ...And thus you prove the urgent necessity of unplugging my speakers with malice aforethought.

StarkAwesome: Spoilsport.  
StarkAwesome: How am I supposed to know whether your ass is fat if you won't even let me use any of the stealthcams I installed for perfectly legitimate corporate espionage purposes in all your hardware?

ProfessorX: I believe you may be _missing the entire point_ of the aforementioned indecent acts with sticky notes.

StarkAwesome: jfc you're bitchy today

ProfessorX: Pot, meet kettle.

StarkAwesome: I shouldn't let Steve out to play with you  
StarkAwesome: You'd be an unwholesome influence on his innocent young mind

ProfessorX: _I'd_ be an unwholesome--  
ProfessorX: Tony, fair warning:  
ProfessorX: I have a hammer in my desk drawer.  
ProfessorX: If you continue provoking me, I _will_ take this hammer to the StarkTech phones.  
ProfessorX: All of them.

StarkAwesome: I can make more  
StarkAwesome: and I know where you live.  
StarkAwesome: mwahahaha. ha. ha.  
StarkAwesome: *hack wheeze*

ProfessorX: Is your current meeting really _that_ intolerably dull?

StarkAwesome: board of directors, man.  
StarkAwesome: it's lethal around here.  
StarkAwesome: the sucking absence of brain cells in all these balding heads is creating a vacuum intense enough to start all the toupees twitching  
StarkAwesome: whenever the mouths open up and initiate the windtunnel of idiocy.  
StarkAwesome: Damn, if only I could patent stupid  
StarkAwesome: I'd be a billionaire  
StarkAwesome: Oh wait! I already am.

ProfessorX: Yes, I know.  
ProfessorX: You poor thing.

StarkAwesome: ...that was sarcasm, wasn't it.  
StarkAwesome: ...  
StarkAwesome: ...  
StarkAwesome: *poke*

ProfessorX: *sigh*

StarkAwesome: Chaaaaaarles  
StarkAwesome: I'm booooooored

ProfessorX: Yes, I'd noticed.  
ProfessorX: Is there a non-profane subject you'd like to discuss?  
ProfessorX: The latest scientific literature, perhaps?

StarkAwesome: C'mon.  
StarkAwesome: Show me that fine ass of yours. 

ProfessorX: ...you know, Tony,  
ProfessorX: _right up to that sentence,_  
ProfessorX: I had quite nearly found myself feeling a certain sympathy for you.  
ProfessorX: Have you ever entertained the notion of 'quitting while you're ahead'?

StarkAwesome: At least _your_ ass isn't spewing shit about P/E ratios and industry forecasts.

ProfessorX: _Nevertheless._  
ProfessorX: =_=

StarkAwesome: omfg  
StarkAwesome: did you just emoticon at me?  
 _StarkAwesome will be right back: rofl  
_ StarkAwesome: Who told you about emoticons?  
StarkAwesome: Raven? Emma? 

ProfessorX: ...Alex, actually.  
ProfessorX: Our newest foster son, one of Hank's friends.  
ProfessorX: He's very hip and with it.

StarkAwesome: Oh God.  
StarkAwesome: Charles, I'm begging you here  
StarkAwesome: never use the phrase _hip and with it_ again, okay?  
StarkAwesome: Begging. On my knees.  
StarkAwesome: Just... _don't._

ProfessorX: ... =___=#

_StarkAwesome will be right back: roflmao  
_ StarkAwesome: jfc, _cranky_ emoticons!  
StarkAwesome: You're killing me here  
StarkAwesome: I like this kid already  
StarkAwesome: I'll get Pepper to send him one of the custom phones  
StarkAwesome: Hey  
StarkAwesome: Did he show you .|.. ?

ProfessorX: No.  
ProfessorX: No, and _don't tell me_ what it means.  
ProfessorX: I'm quite certain I don't care to know.

StarkAwesome: Hey, easy there, don't get your panties in a twist  
StarkAwesome: *snerk*  
StarkAwesome: unless that would encourage you to take 'em off!  
**Eyebrows.gif**

ProfessorX: Tony, for the love of God.  
ProfessorX: You are a walking sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.  
ProfessorX: How drunk are you?

StarkAwesome: Not drunk enough for this meeting!  
StarkAwesome: Christ, sometimes I'm so brilliant I can't stand myself  
StarkAwesome: --hey wow, even better idea!  
StarkAwesome: Wait for it

**StarkAwesome is now known as StarkNaked**  
**StarkNaked is sending you a video**  
**Play: DownMyPants.avi (Y/N?)**

ProfessorX: N! _N!_ Goddammit, _N!_  
ProfessorX: /N  
ProfessorX: /kill -10 StarkNaked msg: _Three of my children are playing in the hall, you thoughtless little shite!_

**StarkNaked has been banished from the office for 10 minutes**

StarkAwesome: Okay fine, I can take a hint.  
StarkAwesome: I'll just have to settle for my _ordinary_ levels of unspeakable Awesome-osity.

ProfessorX: ...that was not 10 minutes.

StarkAwesome: You're using StarkTech here, you know.  
StarkAwesome: Ordinary standards are for lesser beings.  
StarkAwesome: Because I'm Just That Awesome (TM).  
**Now Playing: AwesomeTM.mp3**

ProfessorX: Will you at least allow me a proper 10 seconds next time?  
ProfessorX: I'm rather cross with you.  
ProfessorX: I would have appreciated a moment to collect myself in peace.

StarkAwesome: Okay, sorry  
StarkAwesome: I'm sorry  
StarkAwesome: FYI, you would have had scintillating video footage of my keys and the lining of my pocket  
StarkAwesome: Million dollar money shot there.  
**Now Playing: Kaching.mp3**

StarkAwesome: I _am_ still stuck in that meeting y'know

ProfessorX: ...Apology accepted.

StarkAwesome: good.  
StarkAwesome: thanks.  
StarkAwesome: ...  
StarkAwesome: Charles?  
StarkAwesome: how are you feeling?  
StarkAwesome: are you doing okay?

ProfessorX: What?

StarkAwesome: hope I didn't  
StarkAwesome: y'know  
StarkAwesome: rev you up too much  
StarkAwesome: *vroom vroom*  
StarkAwesome: --No wait don't kill me again!  
StarkAwesome: I mean  
StarkAwesome: are you feeling okay?  
StarkAwesome: I mean, I didn't, did I?  
StarkAwesome: jfc I know I'm an ass but  
StarkAwesome: Charles?

ProfessorX: Honestly, Tony, I don't know whether your patronisation is more infuriating or endearing.  
ProfessorX: I promise you that I shan't find myself suddenly helpless in the throes of premature labour simply because you wind me up a bit.

StarkAwesome: (good)

ProfessorX: Not to mention that there's scarcely any 'premature' left to speak of.

StarkAwesome: Okay, good, that's great.  
StarkAwesome: I mean  
StarkAwesome: I know your evil psycho can-crusher husband is stuck down in DC testifying to Congress this week.  
StarkAwesome: Hey, you know, if you need him, I could go get him for you.

ProfessorX: I'm _fine,_ Tony.

StarkAwesome: No, seriously.  
StarkAwesome: I'm way faster than a private jet  
StarkAwesome: no need to dick around with all that flight control clearance crap  
StarkAwesome: plus it'd get me out of this meeting.

ProfessorX: Ah. _Now_ the truth comes out.

StarkAwesome: heh  
StarkAwesome: just saying.  
StarkAwesome: You know you love me  
StarkAwesome: because of how fantastic my ass looks in that suit.  
StarkAwesome: And I'll happily work that ass for you any time you want me to.  
**Eyebrows.gif**

ProfessorX: Yes, Tony, I know.

StarkAwesome: You can't resist The Eyebrows. They're irresistable.

ProfessorX: Tony, I assure you that I fully trust in your perfect sincerity  
ProfessorX: when you tell me that you'd happily blow off a board of directors meeting  
ProfessorX: under the _flimsiest possible pretense_.

StarkAwesome: Aww, darling. That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me. *smooches*

ProfessorX: Note that I have _NOT,_ in fact, _provided_ you with said flimsy pretense.

StarkAwesome: Harsh. Accurate, but harsh.  
StarkAwesome: We should fix that.  
StarkAwesome: Darling.  
StarkAwesome: Sweetcakes.  
StarkAwesome: Do it for me. You know you want to.  
StarkAwesome: You know I love you, baby.  
StarkAwesome: Unf.  
**Now Playing: BowChickaBowWow.mp3**

ProfessorX: Tony. My dear, dreadful, shameless friend.  
ProfessorX: Despite my distressingly frequent and urgent need to kill you  
ProfessorX: you'll notice I haven't actually banned you.  
ProfessorX: _Yet._  
ProfessorX: However.  
ProfessorX: If you feel the need to continue the flood of saccharine endearments and filthy insinuations, I may reconsider my forbearance.

StarkAwesome: _Attempted_ to ban me, sweet cheeks.  
StarkAwesome: Not that banning me would actually keep me out longer than .427 seconds. On a bad day.  
StarkAwesome: But, you know, it's the thought that counts.  
StarkAwesome: ♥ ♥ ♥

ProfessorX: Remember the hammer, Tony.  
ProfessorX: With extreme prejudice.

StarkAwesome: Okay! Okay, easy there, sweetheart.  
StarkAwesome: Gentle with the hardware.

ProfessorX: I'll do it. I swear I will. 

StarkAwesome: Fine, I'll behave myself. Put the hammer down nice and easy.

ProfessorX: *(popcorn. munches.)*

StarkAwesome: Don't abandon me here, Charlie baby. I need you.  
StarkAwesome: I need you like I need air to breathe, babe.

ProfessorX: *(breathless)* Oh, _Tony._ Do you really?  
ProfessorX: I'm -- I'm not afraid of anything anymore, Tony. *(wrist)*

StarkAwesome: hahahahahahahaha  
StarkAwesome: damn, you'd make a bitchin' noir dame. 

ProfessorX: Thank you. I think.

StarkAwesome: Need to get myself a fedora  
StarkAwesome: What do you think, gray or black?

ProfessorX: Black. On you? Definitely black.  
ProfessorX: There is nothing in the least moderate or undecided about you.

StarkAwesome: You sweet talker, you. *(preens)*

ProfessorX: I'm not entirely certain that was a compliment, Tony.

StarkAwesome: *(preens anyway)*

ProfessorX: Also, I do apologize for underestimating the gravity of your predicament.  
ProfessorX: Clearly, that board meeting must be _deadly_ dull.

StarkAwesome: That's what I _said!_  
StarkAwesome: Why does no one ever believe me?  
StarkAwesome: ...no, wait, don't answer that.

ProfessorX: Ruin all my fun, why don't you.

StarkAwesome: Did you get the shirt?

ProfessorX: Yes, you utter prat, I did.

StarkAwesome: Does it fit?

ProfessorX: ...Tony.

StarkAwesome: Well, does it?

ProfessorX: Tony, is this why you were hounding me for camera access?

StarkAwesome: _Duh._

ProfessorX: You -- why didn't you just _say_ that?

StarkAwesome: I _did!_

ProfessorX: No, you told me you wanted to gawk at my arse!

StarkAwesome: Pfft. Charlie, Charlie. Nobody wants to see your ass.

ProfessorX: _Yes,_ I _know,_ that would be exactly the problem, you bloody pillock!  
ProfessorX: Oh, for the love of--  
ProfessorX: Just wait here. 

StarkAwesome: Hold up, where are you going?  
StarkAwesome: Don't leave me hanging here, babe.  
StarkAwesome: Charles?  
StarkAwesome: Charles, I didn't mean it  
StarkAwesome: I'm sure plenty of people would love to see your ass  
StarkAwesome: Some of them might not even be drunk  
StarkAwesome: *rim shot*  
StarkAwesome: ...  
StarkAwesome: dammit Charles, did you actually leave?

ProfessorX: Give me a bit of leeway here, Tony.  
ProfessorX: I'm not as light on my feet as I used to be.

ProfessorX: /send 35weeks.png

_Accessible text description for screen readers?:_

The two of us @ 35 weeks, wearing Tony's present.  
Blue knit, with yellow biohazard label splayed across my tum:  
"Warning: Genetic Experimentation In Process."

The fine print:  
"Do not agitate, puncture, or incinerate. In case of containment failure, contact emergency personnel and evacuate the area."

Thanks so _awfully_ much, darling. --CFX

_Uploading... ... ...  
File transfer complete.  
_  
ProfessorX: There. Your photographic evidence.

StarkAwesome: ...  
StarkAwesome: Jesus, Charles.  
StarkAwesome: Look at you.

ProfessorX: Tony, I swear to God. If you laugh, I will _maim_ you.

StarkAwesome: No, I...  
StarkAwesome: just...  
StarkAwesome: just _look_ at you, Charles.

ProfessorX: ...Tony, are you all right?

StarkAwesome: heh  
StarkAwesome: all choked up, sorry

ProfessorX: Oh, Tony.

StarkAwesome: You know what this calls for?  
StarkAwesome: This calls for _tunes._

** Now playing: Hot Chocolate - You Sexy Thing.mp3**

ProfessorX: Ha. God, I wish.

StarkAwesome: Sing it with me, babe.  
StarkAwesome: _% I believe in miracles %_  
StarkAwesome: _% Where you from %_  
StarkAwesome: _% You sexy thing %_

ProfessorX: Don't make me hunt you down, Stark.  
ProfessorX: I can't move faster than a brisk waddle, and you've got antigrav.

StarkAwesome: _% (You sexy thing you) %_

ProfessorX: Oh for the love of--  
ProfessorX: You _cannot sing your own backup chorus,_ Tony.

StarkAwesome: Watch me.

ProfessorX: ...I am insufficiently drunk for this.

StarkAwesome: Hey hey hey hold the fuck up, that's _my_ malfunction. Don't even think about it.

ProfessorX: Yes, I assure you I am and shall remain quite tragically sober.  
ProfessorX: Therefore, logically, not at _all_ drunk enough to cope with such pointed reminders of the laughable unsexiness of my misshapen self.

StarkAwesome: --the _fuck?_  
StarkAwesome: You're not _misshapen,_ you dumb shit!  
StarkAwesome: You're all curvy and luscious and...  
StarkAwesome: and pregnant-shaped!  
StarkAwesome: You're _perfectly_ pregnant-shaped.  
StarkAwesome: And anybody who disagrees can _kiss my shiny metal ass_.

ProfessorX: Tony, there is a considerable gulf between being 'pregnant-shaped' and being 'sexy.'

StarkAwesome: The hell there is.  
StarkAwesome: Someone who's pregnant-shaped is walking around showing off absolute, incontrovertible proof that some lucky bastard somewhere has gotten himself laid.  
** Now playing: Rimshot.mp3**

StarkAwesome: You're just all... ripe, and sweet, like fruit or something.

ProfessorX: ...Tony, have you been conversing with Mr. Steliopolous again?  
ProfessorX: I'm afraid I must ask you to refrain from aiding and abetting him.

StarkAwesome: Hey. Steely's my homeboy. \m/

ProfessorX: ...Tony, a word.  
ProfessorX: I have it on good authority that you and I are both far too melanin-impaired to use the term 'homeboy.'  
ProfessorX: Also, my scholarship is in the sciences. Not in literature.  
ProfessorX: And _certainly_ not in the more pornographic reaches of teaching English as a second language.  
ProfessorX: I have no interest in the linguistic intricacies of non-native erotic poetry.  
ProfessorX: I have _less_ than no interest in being the _subject_ of said erotic poetry.  
ProfessorX: Please stop encouraging him.  
ProfessorX: _Please._

StarkAwesome: That's not the point here.  
StarkAwesome: The point is, you're _gorgeous_. You got that?

ProfessorX: ...thank you, Tony.

StarkAwesome: You sound like you still don't believe me.  
StarkAwesome: Do I need to kick your husband's ass?

ProfessorX: Of course not!  
ProfessorX: I assure you that Erik has always been excessively kind about the matter. 

StarkAwesome: Well, then. Listen to the man. He's got taste. He married you.

ProfessorX: It's only that he's quite biased on my behalf. He looks at me and he sees our child. No one else has that peculiarly skewed perspective.

StarkAwesome: Okay, that's it, I have to fix this.  
StarkAwesome: See you in twenty.

ProfessorX: _No,_ Tony. Miss Potts would kill me.

StarkAwesome: Don't be stupid, Pepper loves you. She'll kill _me._ ♥

ProfessorX: Come for tea _AFTER_ your meeting is finished.  
ProfessorX: I have a particularly lovely first flush Darjeeling to be tasted.  
ProfessorX: And if Miss Potts tells me that you flew out of your board of directors meeting like someone had set your metal undershorts on fire,  
ProfessorX: then I shan't share it with you at all.

StarkAwesome: Make it some of that 50 year old Scotch and I'm there.  
StarkAwesome: Steve said you invited him too? Excellent.  
StarkAwesome: We have to prove to the boy that _some_ fantastic ~~beverages~~ events have occurred in the past half century.  
StarkAwesome: Hey.  
StarkAwesome: Wear my shirt?  >:D

ProfessorX: I -- er. While both the sentiment and the humour are quite appreciated,  
ProfessorX: it's a bit... revealing?  
ProfessorX: I fear Captain Rogers finds even hinting at reproductive matters to be just appallingly brash and crude and modern.

StarkAwesome: Like I said. Wear my shirt.

ProfessorX: You're horrible.

StarkAwesome: But it's educational. Thematic for your class and everything.

ProfessorX: Yes. And you're still horrible.

StarkAwesome: Good thing I'm so irresistably attractive and disgustingly rich, isn't it.

ProfessorX: Quite. That poor sweet young man...

StarkAwesome: Pfft. He's older than you.

ProfessorX: Shall I expect you around 3, then?

StarkAwesome: We might be fashionably late.  
StarkAwesome: Steve's going to curl up and die of shame if he can't find the perfect baby gift to bring you.  
StarkAwesome: Pepper's barely keeping him corralled in Babies R Us. 

ProfessorX: Oh _dear._  
ProfessorX: Is it too late to attempt to reassure him that the pleasure of your company is more than gift enough?

StarkAwesome: Far, far too late.  
StarkAwesome: You're doomed, buddy.  
StarkAwesome: Doooooomed.  
** Now Playing: thunderbolt-cackle.mp3 **

ProfessorX: Oh _bother._  
ProfessorX: Poor Miss Potts.  
ProfessorX: Could you possibly bring her round as well?  
ProfessorX: If any poor soul were ever in desperate need of my father's Scotch...

StarkAwesome: She's fine. She _loves_ shopping on my charge card.

ProfessorX: But -- one presumes -- _not_ usually with an anxiously polite young man who is both desperate to make a good impression upon his professor, and without the faintest idea how to behave in the presence of overwhelmingly pastel materials making flamboyant reference to babies and the process of producing them.  
ProfessorX: He can't win, because he literally doesn't know how.  
ProfessorX: Poor, poor Miss Potts.

StarkAwesome: ...What's the range on your telepathy again?

ProfessorX: Telepathy nothing, that's simple human compassion.

StarkAwesome: Oh. That.  
StarkAwesome: I never did finish the functional algorithm for that.  
StarkAwesome: Explains a lot about Jarvis, actually...

ProfessorX: And not just about Jarvis.

StarkAwesome: Okay yeah, I walked into that one face-first.  
StarkAwesome: See you in an hour or two?  
StarkAwesome: It sounds like they're wrapping up.

ProfessorX: Marvelous.  
ProfessorX: I'll have scones waiting in the oven.

StarkAwesome: You're going to break Steve's brain.  
StarkAwesome: Just so you know.

ProfessorX: Yes, I know. I feel terribly for him.  
ProfessorX: I do promise to be on my best behaviour.  
ProfessorX: It's unlikely he's ever set eyes upon an expectant mother before, let alone needed to socially interact with one.  
ProfessorX: And he's certainly never needed to wrap his mind around the absurd notion of a pregnant man.

StarkAwesome: Heh, as a matter of fact...  
StarkAwesome: Thor's brother Loki ringing any bells for you?  
StarkAwesome: If anything, Steve's probably stuck wondering what _species_ of kids you're going to have.  
StarkAwesome: (I'm betting he's partial to puppies.)

ProfessorX: Oh. ...Goodness.  
ProfessorX: Please ask Miss Potts _not_ to let him bring puppy collars.  
ProfessorX: I can't imagine any way for that particular conversation to be anything other than excruciating.

StarkAwesome: *snerk* yeah yeah.  
StarkAwesome: I meant, you'd break Steve's brain anyway.  
StarkAwesome: jfc, _fresh baked scones._

ProfessorX: Ah -- do you suppose he might prefer chocolate chip biscuits? --I mean cookies?

StarkAwesome: ...Yes.  
StarkAwesome: But that's still not the point.

ProfessorX: Despite what you may think, I am capable of attempting American recipes.  
ProfessorX: And I'm sure Wanda and Ororo will be more than happy to help with the preparations.

StarkAwesome: pffft ahahahaha  
StarkAwesome: take your phone with you. I _need_ video evidence.  
StarkAwesome: So will the insurance adjusters.

ProfessorX: Sod off.

StarkAwesome: Glad to.  
StarkAwesome: See you in a couple hours... assuming the firefighters and ambulances are done with the place.  
** Now Playing: Rimshot.mp3 **

ProfessorX: /kill -10 StarkAwesome msg: _Baking is a science! I am perfectly capable of chemistry -- oh, just bugger off._


End file.
